


Spite My Feelings

by EdgyLordPopTart



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:55:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdgyLordPopTart/pseuds/EdgyLordPopTart
Summary: This is a peek into Shizuo's sad, sad, sad life.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra/Celty Sturluson
Kudos: 22





	Spite My Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clarify, I tried to intend this story with as much logic as I could, along with my own intended perspective upon Shizuo's life. So some of these facts may be recognizable, like with Shizuo tossing the fridge at Kasuka's sneaky butt, and some parts of this fic may contain things that I just added in for the sake of it being a fanfic.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy it.

My inhumane strength began when I was 11. To quickly explain it to you, my brain didn't have any reaction to shutting down my muscles in response to pain in order to prevent serious injury, so I was completely capable of using full-strength. Concluding this, this insane power was discovered when my dam brother took my pudding, how furious I was. I didn't intend to actually lift the fridge, but I ended up nearly hurting Kasuka with intention, well, if the giant bastard of a machine hadn't collapsed on me. Thank goodness, I would have rather been stuck an injury or two then have nobody else to bug. I mean, yeah it was good that he was safe, but it wasn't great until my parents came home.

My father worked as a real estate agent and my mother has two part-time jobs, including both being a cashier. My family wasn't the best with money. Now, since the companies they've been laboring for failed, they've been low on money. I mean, my parents were the best. They did everything to be there for both of us. When it came to homework, advice, or just straight up to attention, both of them would be there for us. Even though they were constantly working, they still made the most of it to spend with what they had left with me and my brother. Now, that my inhumane power strength was discovered, everything clanged. Because of my anger issues, money's been even tighter. Medical bills been pilling up because health insurance couldn't cover for us anymore because of the late payments and fees. My parents couldn't keep up with all of these bills, so they had to work extra shifts and fond more jobs to not only raise their children but to also pay the bills. Kasuka and I also started to work around my house a lot more then I use to so my parents don't have to come home to a dirty home.

Not only that, but my relationship with my parents also changed. Not only do I see them less often, but they won't treat me as they use to before. Ever since the bills began to pile up, my father grew a new drinking habit. He'd leave wine bottles and beer all over the house hit mom, and do all sorts of nasty things, like leave laundry on the kitchen floor and leave his beer cans in the bathroom toilet. I really don't know how that happened, but I cleaned it without hesitation or complaints because with all of the wrecks I've done already, why start any more problems. My mom changed more than dad though. She'd look more tired and scared than she ever did. After all of the abuse and hardship from my father, mom left him. Now, alone with an abusive father, piled bills, and no money, the only one I had there to look out for me was Kasuka. I've never felt closer to him than I ever did.

Now, away from my family issues. I want to start out of how my life actually started for Shizuo Heiwajima. I mean, it's getting tragic enough as it is, but school is where it all started. I mean, a good story needs a solid exposition or else it will be lost on the audience. Now, back to my story.

Going to my early life at primary school, I wasn't the or to be a "social butterfly". Although having super strength may be seemingly awesome, it'd mean that you'd have crowds of people, giving you a reputation of the popular one of the school, not wanting anybody to ever mess with you, right? Wrong. Because of my inhumane strength, nobody wanted to sit with me, talk to me, be my partner in any activities. Well, it was also because of my temper. It was easy to see my bother every now and then during school, but I was alone in a classroom, surrounded by an endless fear-sickened thought of many, many grey-colored children. Even the teacher didn't get along with me. Now, I was alone. Nobody dared to start a conversation with me, not even to ask my name because of the fear that crept up to their spine like a spider that I would blow my fuse. Everyone but Kasuka.

I remember a lot of times when I saw my brother, it'd always be at a time when I was alone. My face would always droop with sadness, tears stained from my previous breakdown. I didn't cry as often, but I find it in silence to prevent being bullied anymore. There had been multiple incidents where I'd ask my brother if the other kids were right if I really was some sort of monster. IF that was the real reason why I never had any friends. All he could do is smile at me and say the same expression that'd always somehow cheer me up.

"That's why I love you."

Regardless of the endless bullying, at least something that really paid off where some resistance to injuries when my anger did spite out of control. After all of those times of endless lifting and trips to the hospital, I slowly began adapting to lifting heavy objects and my body would autopilot the actions that are I do, lifting desks and tables without any issues. My body didn't game much muscle because of the knowledge it had of my brain's nonexistent restriction of any reaction towards pain, so despite being strong, I still appeared to have a bit of a scrawny figure.

Near the end of primary school, I met someone by the name of Shinra Kishitani. Shinra apparently a couple of hospital visits to see me to ask to "dissect my body". Although I had not many clear images of him, I remember quite a few times he'd show up to come to see me. We've become friends ever since because he was really my first one. He is a young kid, actually, younger than me. Hewas short brown hair and eyes, glasses of course, and this smile that never left his face. He'd always seen to have found "the love of his life". I've never met this woman before, but I could tell she was probably amazing. Who knew that that woman would be the best friend I've could have never asked for.

And here I thought primary school was hard. Oh, but it only got worse during my teenage years. Middle school wasn't fun, plus Shinra and I are in different schools now. These were the years of middle school were children my age went through these hormonal phases filled with curiosity and endless expectations. For the boys, hormones flew high pretty quickly. I, for once, was never feeling excluded or alone. As the sudden wave swept across the school, everybody was pretty much in sync with conversations on the same topic. Crushes, dating, sex. Everybody in my seventh-grade class would talk about how hot girls became and how they'd want to go ask them out. Everybody but me. I mean, how not alone I was with the hormone phase, I was never the one to talk about it. I was... a loner. Or so I thought.

That's up till I met that school year was Tom Tanaka. He was had brown eyes, dreads that always appeared to be up in some sort of ponytail, and glasses too. He didn't always seem as bright or energetic as Shinra. He seemed more laid-back, calmer about situations. Harsh was not a word to describe him. He reminded me of a bit of Kasauka, but the only difference was that my brother didn't really show any affection or feeling. Anyways, he was a lot more of a friend than I expected. Rather than running away, he approached me one day after I beat up a couple of jerks picking on me. After he helped me more those jerks to a hospital, he bought me dinner and advised me to "dye my hair blond" to keep a reputation and a sitting appearance that spoke to not mess with me. Although he had a strong act of kindness, his only intention was to not piss me off and graduate in one piece. Honestly, I didn't mind that because that'd mean Tom would never have to fear me.

Really, as great as it seemed, that I had friends, it didn't stop me from bursting out with rage. Although the dying hair really did help me, it didn't end my short temper. Kids would always pick on me, those even from my old primary school, and would pick on me for "not being in the fast lane" or some bullshit like that. Honestly, dating wasn't my thing in that day of age. Plus, even though I did have somewhat of the same intention of sticking my dick into something like the other heated kids, I didn't express myself through that. So, I was left to be picked on. Although I really did try not to bother anybody, karma was always with me.

Going back home, things did tend to get better. My father's drinking problems ended after he was hired to this new company that was looking for experienced real estate agents. my dad now had enough money to pay off some of the bills and things went soaring. My dad also met somebody new, and she was amazing. Besides missing my mom, she'd always mother us as one of her own. Although she didn't pick us up from school, shed always make breakfast, check up on my and Kasuka, makes sure we're okay. Even though I had this troubling issue with strength and anger, it never stopped her from loving me. I really loved where things were getting.

Kasuka also tended to become more distant than before. It seemed as if he wasn't needed anymore, like a useless tool. Although he didn't have the same experience as I did, he never really liked being alone. Even though I was there for him, reminding him that there's always someone there to love him, that nobody would be as loving as a brother, something in his head was preventing him from seeing this It was all clear when I saw him in the bathroom. He was staring in the mirror with no emotion. He had a bottle of pill in his arms.

"Kasuka," I called, "What are you doing?"

His head shot right towards my direction when he heard me. He dropped the pill bottle and softened his face. I couldn't tell what his intentions were, but I could tell that it wasn't a good one. After a short pause of staring in silence, I walked up to him and gave him a hug. I stood there, head resting on his shoulder as Kasuka stood there, no emotion showing, not even the slightest speak of tears or happiness.

"Is there something wrong with me?"

That was the first time I've ever really heard such disappointment from my brother. For all of this time of fighting fo me, protecting me, standing up for me, it'd seem that it was my time to be there for him.

"Nobody talks to me anymore because I'm a psycho."

Those words stored my heart. Anger flushed through my veins, but I knew it wasn't the right time to act up now. I just stood there hugging, hesitant for what I should say next. I could tell he was waiting for a response, but he wasn't expecting anything heartwarming. So, I said something he'd always tell me.

"That's why I love you."

It seemed that I was in high school now. There was nothing new about it. I had friends, I had bullies, I'd always get glares from the grey-colored individuals in the hallways. Seemed the same. Well, until I met the bastard.

Izaya Orihara.

Shina introduced me to him. He was a close friend of his during middle school. Have I not heard of this fellow?

Izaya Orihara. He was a scrawny looking fellow with short black hair and brown eyes. I mean, since high school, I've built up a bit of muscle o and gained weight to alter away from my primary school looks, but he looked far more underweight than I was back then, fragile if one might say. Although his body looked like glass, it was made up by his handsome features of a beautiful face and stunning hair. The one thing that really did bug me was that dam smirk. He always appeared as some mischievous or otherwise unsavory looking fellow. This would only mean bad news. One thing that really stood out was that wretched stink of his. I didn't like it, it reminded me of trash.

It was a mistake for Shinra ever introducing me towards him. Ever since we've been at each other's throat all throughout highschool. It goes to points where I'd throw school furniture and property at him, chase him to his death. It's even gone so far, that he framed me for crime! I was cleared from all charges by the police after a while, but tensions only grew between us. It's like we were obsessed with each other with the strangest reason. Well, that flea's reason being so. The only reason why I hate him so dam much is because of his actions. He hurts me without any regrets, he wants to see me crumble. As for his side, he hates me because I'm not "human". He said that I was a monster, that I didn't have feelings. He only loved humans. Oh, how much that made me mad.

I find it really funny that I don't know much about that fleabag. All I knew of how he and Shinra met up It was about some sort of biology club banding up, and he needed another person to help out. I know nothing much about him since we didn't go to the same middle school, but I could tell they became close friends. From that, I could tell why Shinra wanted me to meet up with Izaya, but no matter how hard he tries, we always had some excuse to go after each other with death wishes written in your pockets.

Graduating high school, things didn't really get easy. Although I was still close with Shinra and met the love of his life, Celty, things between me and Izaya were still tight. After countless attempts of getting into a job, Izaya was always involved, and I'd always end up getting fired. After my brother helped me out, getting me a bartender outfit, getting fired from a few more jobs, it led me to where I am today.

My name is Shizuo Heiwajima. I had natural dark brown hair but dyed it blonde. I wear a white collared shirt with a black vest, black pants, black dress shoes, and a black bow along with dark blue shaded sunglasses to hide my shady brown eyes. I am somewhat lean and have a habit of smoking. I work for Tom as a bodyguard and have a short temper, which is why I got my job. I enjoy basking in the heavy sunlight, eating sweets, and kicking ass. I do hate overflowing cellphones and that dam fleabag. I have quite a few friends, including an insane doctor, a dullahan, and three badass high school kids who know the depts of Ikebukuro. That doesn't mean I have my enemies, but I try to make my ground by showing them never to mess with Shizuo Heiwajima.

You know, honestly, I have a clear picture of who I am. I'm not happy about my profile, but I'm proud of how far I've come. You know, I've honestly just begun to think that as I walked down the same sidewalk I always walkthrough with a bag full of sweets, on my way to sit at a park where'd if usually meet Celty as chat with her for some time, baking in the sunset. With Izaya finally out of Ikebukuro, things can finally settle down, right? You know, I was never socially active back in my school years, but I was also never open with myself.

Not until I met Celty. To be real, she probably knows me more than I know the real Shizuo Heiwajima. I never suspected that until today. The day I never thought to come.

My suspicion rose when I sat on that bench. I was waiting for her on the park bench. The scene was great today, but it was chilly as ever. I sat there shivering for about 10 minutes or so until I finally gave in to my craving stomach. I usually don't eat until she gets here, but today, she was taking longer than expected. After a brief thought, I opened the bag and dove in for a donut. It was jelly glazed. It wasn't my favorite, but still, something sweet to eat. I was about halfway through my donut until I smelt that stench.

The fucking stench of that trashbag flea.

Before I could react, I felt a cold glass bottle touch my neck. I jumped in shock but remained in the same position as I was in, frozen still with a donut stuffed in my mouth. After a short second, I slowly placed my bag to the side. Still, with a donut in my mouth, I slid my hand up my neck until I touched the glass bottle and the hand that held it. It was small and slender with long fingers that wrapped around the cool glass. That is when to my curiosity, I turned my head.

"We need to talk, Shizu-can."

I didn't expect such a strange reaction, but I wasn't shocked nor angry. I was calm, curious to hear what he has to say. I sighed and turned back around, continuing my chewing on the donut as I felt the cool glass leave my neck and the flea walk around the bench to sit next to me. Very close to me. He put the glass on the palm of my hand, hoping I'd take it, which I did. Shortly before, I glanced down at what he gave me.

A cool glass bottle of milk.

I was honestly shocked to ever see him hand me milk. I took it anyways, chomping the rest of the donut down only to open the milk and devour the dam glass. I mean, he could have poisoned it for all I know, but I didn't think before so. Awaiting for any symptoms of poison to take effect, nothing seemed to please my expectations. Instead, I turned to face Izaya, and right before I spoke, he blurted.

"I know everything."

I looked at him with confusion, "Waddya mean, fleabag?"

Izaya stared at me with confusion. His face seemed more natural than insane. What makes me scared is that his grin seemed to have faded. Izaya signed as he took off his coat.

"You look cold, here take my coat." Izaya placed his coat around my shoulders. I looked at him with disbelief, think about his bad acting skills. Wow, bad joke.

"Okay, if this is some kind of joke," I jokingly chuckled, "You're not doing a good job." Izaya looked at me with such disbelief. He couldn't believe what he's hearing.

As soon as I finished my glass, I handed the empty transparent bottle into the bag and reached in for another donut until Izaya stopped me. So many thoughts ran through my head as he grabbed my hand. Slowly, he lifted my hand back up, returning me to his face as we stared at one another.

"I know about your interest in me."

My heart sank. After all of that time, what does he mean about 'interest in him'? I honestly wasn't expecting that, nor was I ever going to talk about it. To be real, I had some feelings for him, admittingly I just sunk it down. I know I didn't want anybody to know, not even anyone reading or asking what my life was once like. Not dad, mom, step-mom, Kasuka, Shinra, Tom, nobody. But how did they know? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him. I deserve to be hated. Violence. Blood. Denial. Neglance. Death. I was a monster. I am a minster. I don't deserve love.

"I-Interest?"

I sat there with disbelief. I could feel my eyes burn, desperate for tears to escape and stain my check with its sticky substance of sorrow and sadness. Kauska wasn't here and I'm with my arch-nemesis, so only fate can determine how that'll play out. There was a brief pause until Izaya spoke again.

"It's honestly hard to believe, and really, I did hate you," Izaya placed his palm on my cheek, "But it was only because I didn't know that the very beast whom I hated, tortured, and toyed with had the same love I had for people."

I was out of words to speak. I was speechless. I-I didn't know how to react. Words can't describe how I felt. Nothing could. Except for utter confusion. As loving as it seemed, I felt a bit awkward. I know that he can't return the same feelings, but as long as he understood, right? Maybe if I just go and reach for another donut or something, he'll forget I was here and go back to hating me. No, it'd be too hard. I can't. I need some sort of distraction. I need something to eat. I don't want to think. Maybe there's something in the bag. Wait, why am I tasting something sweet right now?

Before I knew it, I felt a light pressure on my lips. When I finally woken up from this state of mental images of fanatic ways to get away from this flea, I saw him. He was right in front of me, closest to me that I've ever felt. His husk breath was going down my neck. Wait. Hold up a sec- he's kissing me right now.

And before I know it, I heard a motorbike engine go off in a distance along with horse screeching through the loud city. Izaya departed from my face, the warmth of his lips leaving mine. I felt alone until he readjusted his coat and stood up. That was until he got up with the empty glass in his hands and leaned into my ear.

"I'll be seeing you later tonight. We can talk more about it at your place."

And with that, he was gone.

Before I was ever able to say anything, I heard footsteps from behind me. Celty reached in for her DPad and began typing until she showed it up to my face.

'Sorry I was late. It's a very long story.'

I chuckled, "No need to worry, I came out here too early. It's cold out anyways, so I wasn't expecting you to come by today."

Celty walked around and sat beside me. She looked down at the bag to see that it was half empty. She shrugged a little, and indication of a giggle I suppose. I mean, we really didn't do anything that evening. We spent the time there just chatting, catching up on life. It's really been a while since I've seen Shinra, so we talked about him for a while. We somehow managed to even chat about some funny things about our day, like how Celty ran into some sort of imposter of me. I felt as if I came across that at some point, but I don't remember things I don't really care about.

After the sun went down, Celty rose from the bench. The bag was empty and I was stuffed 'n tired as hell. Celty took out her small pad and typed away. I heard the sounds of typing, not rushed but rather at a slow pace. I didn't realize that she put it up to my face until he bumped my shoulder.

'You ready to go?'

I nodded with a yawn. As I got up, Celty rose as she stared at me. I didn't know what was wrong so as I gathered my items, I asked her. That's when she typed and immediately showed me the screen with a skeptical look on her non-existent head.

'What's with the new fur coat?'

I froze in a shocker. I felt m face heat up with embarrassment.

_Pesky flea._

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaah! Sorry if this was a short drabble, but I tried my best because, as you can tell, I'm crap when it comes to story writing. Remember, artwork and writing are two different things.  
> Anyways, you can consider this short drabble a practice one. Maybe some of you guys can criticize and give me your opinion on how I did and can help me when it comes to future fanfics'.


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